First off,I would like to thank everybody who stood up to me because of that lady and what she said.If you want to see it you can go see it on my facebook group. It means a lot of how many people got my back for that. Ill continue about it more later.
Well I guess right now,all I can say is im emotional not okay yet.I feel like I have just been so confused and just pretty much speechless these past few days.I don't know what to think anymore.I can say that im still emotionally hurt.Things still get to me.Im still so depressed I guess you can say from everything.Its not really anyone's fault,or there really isn't anyone I want to blame for this.Its just the fact that I just don't know where to go from here.I don't know what to think anymore.I try to be the most positive person I can,just whenever I am,something comes up like always. I guess one of things I feel like im most hurt is the fact that a lot of people have been questioning about my weight.Lately,I have been getting a lot of comments on how skinny Ive become. I know some people feel like I haven't really lost any weight,but the truth is I have.I have lost 40 pounds in the last 3-4 months.Some people look at me and think "Wow Talia! Look at how skinny you are,how did you do it?" The only answer I really say is I don't eat a lot.The truth is I guess I just was so hurt and sad over a lot of things,I just didn't care to eat. I didn't care to take care of my body or take of anything. I feel like sometimes I should be embarrassed if I tell someone,I did it cause I was depressed.I couldn't really control how much weight I lost.Now,I keep losing more then I should be,when I thought I was slowly slowly suppose to get over it.My height is usually more skinner then what I currently weight,but for my life style,I know im not healthy.I sometimes look at myself and look at my stomach,and say wow Talia you look great.In my head though,I tell myself Talia,this isn't good.Being how I kept getting all these comments about being so skinny,I also got a comment saying how I still have a stomach.Like I said in the beginning of this blog,Im still emotionally not okay.So of course that hurt me.Of course I felt like I should be eating less so I could be more skinner to make people happy.I know I shouldn't be thinking this way,just in the past I always got made fun of for being fat,so when I grew older it was sometimes a struggle for me to lose weight.Now that I lost the weight I thought I would be able to lose more,so I wouldn't have to worry anymore about being commented on it.The truth is I got the comment that says Im too skinny.
I guess this brings out my next topic I wanted to talk about and that I finally realized when I shouldn't have started crying.Today I was driving to an important thing,and while I was driving,this song came up.This song is a song I used to listen to a lot in 8th grade when I went through my depression.I don't know why at the time I was listening to the radio,I heard the song. The song was I Can by Nas. There was one lyric in the song that he say's which really got to me. The lyric that got to me the most was his chorus which is: "I know I can,Be what I wanna be,If I work hard at it,I'll be where I wanna be." That lyric made me start crying but knowing that I had to go somewhere important,I had to hold it in.I wiped off my tears and stopped crying. That lyric really got to me because like I said in my last post,I felt like I was a failure for not doing good in my school last semester.I kept repeating that lyric in my head,and kept saying to myself,Talia why did you let your self become this bad?? Why did I put myself through all of this,when I was able to stop a long time ago?? Why do I still feel like I have nothing solved and nothing is going right for me no matter how hard I tried?? There really is no answer I can give you because I don't know.Its not easy.Its very hard,and that's why sometimes I feel like people don't understand why sometimes I feel so alone or why I get so negative on myself.No matter how many people I tell,I still get the same answer,the answer Im sick of hearing. Like Im saying,Im not emotionally okay.
So for everyone who doesn't know what comment I got from that lady,I got it on my blog's facebook page.It was pretty much saying that I was horrible writer and that im not "professional" enough for her.It was saying that me giving a gift card to get people to join a page was kinda stupid I guess is what you can say and saying how she didn't want it.Well some people decided to bash back at her,while I still have nothing to say to her.I guess lately I have been telling a lot of people to share with other people so people will know I have a blog,and since Im deleting my facebook,I want people to keep in touch with me.Most of my traffic comes from Facebook,and I felt like when I delete it,no body will read it.I guess im sorry to the people who I pushed them to do it,but really like I said the whole point why I wanted to do this was because,I wanted a lot of people to read it.I felt like the only way I got people to read it was through Facebook. I still don't know what's going to happen with this blog when I delete it on Sunday,but I just pray I get more people reading it. Earlier today,I got very hurt from the comment she told me.It really sucks though,because I know that I used never get hurt by a stupid comment.I would have talked back to her,but I guess this time I just got simply hurt.I felt like maybe what she said was kinda of true,because in a way,I still don't have people joining.If you really want to know how many times I have tried to get people to join the group,I put it on 10 sites.I literally tried everything to get people to join it.You know I keep talking about a gift certificate,that's how bad I wanted people to join.I was willing to give out $75 bucks that I kinda don't really have.It was cause I was scared.I was scared no one cared to read it anymore. I was scared that everyone would forget the link it was.I was scared that I was writing this for nothing.I felt like nobody thought I really had a story and there was nothing really I should be writing or nothing I should be feeling sad about and that all Im trying to say is that I have a horrible life,when really like I said I never thought that. I just know ive been threw very tough things,and they are happening right now.I know that there have been a lot of tough things I had to deal with as a kid and while I was growing up.You may look at it like it wasn't hard or tough,but the pain I went through and the emotions I went through,were tough. Sometimes people tell me that I should appreciate everything I have and shouldn't complain so much about my life,the truth is I do.Its just not very easy to say I don't have nothing going on my life or there's other people's life's who are worse,because I know that its hard for what im going through.I felt like if I could really be open about something,people might not think that anymore,but like I have said before,I'm not going to say it for the sake of me and for the sake of not being bashed.I guess I will tell you this,I wont stop this.I will try my hardest to feel like that I will have people who will read this. Trust me its going to be hard to do it,but It really will help me to share my facebook page.Maybe I wont do the gift card idea.I just really want people to know I'm going to keep writing when I delete it. So if you're reading this and have a facebook,I ask you one favor and please if you get a chance please share that page.Please from the bottom my heart.
I guess the last thing I should talk about is the topic I sometimes wish I didn't have to talk about,but know its on my mind 24/7. Lately its been really hard for me to admit to myself that I miss him.I miss him a lot and I know a lot of people will always tell me im crazy,but I really cant stop thinking about him.I miss him a lot.I lost my best friend.It doesn't matter if we talk or not.I just want him back in my life again,and like I will always say,I hate how it got to this point.I hate how I can never text him or never call him when I have a problem.I hate how I cant be open to him anymore.I hate how there's days I need him the most,and Im too scared his with her.I hate how I feel like im such a negative person,that why would he want to talk to to me anymore? I feel like Im not her so why would I matter anymore.He moved on and there's really nothing there anymore.Im never going to be her.I know that in a way he was probably happy and he loved me for who I was.I don't get what I did so wrong.I tryed moving on and tried like another guy,but all he told me was that he thought I wanted a relationship and he didnt want to to rush into things.Which makes me feel like I was such a bad person,to make guys feel like that.I don't get it.It just makes my head go back to him.Go back to how much I miss and how much I want to have our relationship back.Its so hard when you fall in love with someone so deep,and right away there gone in a second.I never know if I will ever get him back,I feel like all I do is think about him.I wonder where he is.I wonder if I will ever just run into him.I sometimes sit and just look at my phone hoping to get a call from him.Theres no more hope.Time I guess will heal everything right? Except,Im so sick of time.Im so sick of waiting and so sick of not knowing whats going to happen to us.Its so confusing and the hard part is,I still cry over it and still get upset over it cause I cant personally help myself now.Im personally not strong enough to get over it yet.Im not strong enough to really tell myself im over it.Im not strong enough to say I don't love him anymore,because the truth is Im truly lying to myself.I love him a lot. I will always love him.I cant change it,and I don't know whats going to happen.I just need an answer and I need it quick,cause all I do is think about him,and think how about how much I miss us,knowing that there will never be an us ever again.
I need to start this job really soon,and I cant wait to start it.I really need this and I just really felt like I was glad I could open up a little bit more tonight,and I hope if I do have readers,someone learned something or got touched by something,Im glad you read it cause I sat here for an hour trying my hardest to say what I could say.
Until next time. . . .
I love you all so much.Be kind to one another.
Love Always,
Talia Marcel <3
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