Last time I wrote on this,it was a day after I deleted my Facebook.It has been an amazing feeling to not go on and just being able to concentrate on more important things then me posting statues all day or putting pictures.There have been some moments where I'm like I want to take a picture and post this on Facebook or I've wanted to write a status so everybody would know what im doing right at that moment or what I'm thinking about,but I cant do that anymore and I'm so glad I cant!! It has helped me control myself from seeing things I would really like not see at times,and it has helped me just realize I don't need a social network to make my life go round.I need to do things like daily activities to make my life go round and I need to choose to other do activities to enjoy my day.I decided when I don't have to work I will be joining a class like a yoga class (I saw a daily deal for unlimited yoga for 29 bucks!!) or I also saw some fun classes that I would love to join! I feel like in a way its a good way for me to do something peaceful and relaxing,which going to be much needed.I felt like the past week I have really been doing good emotionally and defiantly physically,but at times there's still times I get very down on myself or feel like something is wrong,which today was a perfect example,but ill explain that later.I still have been getting comments on how much weight I lost and how I don't eat as much. . . which like I said I had no control over.I just know I cant really tell you why it really happened just,I know it was because I was very emotionally about things in my life.
I guess lately the biggest problem,the problem, ive been having for the past 9 months,of course its boys.Its so hard for me to admit that I still love my ex.I still love him so much,it sometimes hurt that I know I don't deserve what has happened to me.It sucks that we haven't been talking,and its like at times I wish we weren't talking,seeing how I've been doing so good with being able to work now and how I will be going to school,but all I do is miss him more when we don't talk.I feel like whenever I do talk to him,all I do is cry to him and that makes him want to stop talking to me and leave. I truly hate that I cry to him.Im usually a very positive person,I just cant not cry to him.I have to cry to him,I just want him to see my pain,which is something he still doesn't seem to see. I've been doing much better emotionally then what I used to be but,I still get very down on myself on things,feeling that I was the one who ruined this relationship,no matter how many times he tells me that it was him, because no matter how much it was him,he still chooses her over everything. Today I felt the most that we weren't really anything more.Today was his birthday,and I tried to call him and I texted him showing him that I was nice enough to say Happy Birthday cause I still obviously care and love him so much to say it.I don't ever call him or text him first,but did because I wanted him to know that I remember its his birthday,and I care enough to say it.I was debating about for the past few days if I should or shouldn't,because of course I did.I never got an answer from him.It showed how I felt like I did something so horrible to him,he cant even say thank you or call back.I know today is the big 21 birthday,but I just wish it was like last year,where I was his girlfriend celebrating his birthday.I really went all out for his birthday,I put my heart into it by surprising him with an amazing dinner,and I bought some really expensive shirts,but to me money doesn't matter.As long as he enjoyed him,but that wasn't this year.I really hate how im imagining how amazing his birthday was/is because of his girlfriend.His girlfriend probably did something amazing for him,and has probably given him a better gift and probably showed more love,then I ever did in our whole relationship.I wish I was celebrating his birthday with him. I even bought him a gift to show that I really wish I could celebrate his birthday with him.I would have even taken him out somewhere to eat to make him feel like his loved on his birthday,but she probably already did.She probably is right now.Its so hard and annoying with this situation,I go crazy.I still don't see why it ended up like this,I never understand why.We promised each other we would be best friends forever.This isn't best friends forever.Its more like Im the bad person.I know that for the good person I am,I don't deserve this at all.I just cant seem to ever let go,and I don't want to let go. I've obviously tried to hang out with a few other guys,and try to get him off my mind,and that's why I want a new guy.I started liking a new guy,and his really nice and his a good guy,just we obviously don't want to be in a relationship and don't want to rush anything. I've wanted a new guy not for a relationship,just so I wont have to think about him anymore,but I never stop thinking about him.No matter if we talk or if we don't.I miss him so much,it hurts.I really fell for this guy and I think everybody see's it.I keep repeating that I don't even want him as my boyfriend,but I guess all I want him is in my life all the time.I wanted to change my number again so maybe he wont ever contact me and it will maybe show him what its like living his life without me,which I know he'll hate,like I cant live my life without him no matter what we are.I also cant change it cause It will be such a hassle to tell everyone why I changed it and getting a new number. It'll just be too hard. I just have to realize,Im not her anymore.This new girl,is the girl.I shouldn't even say new girl,she is now the girl.Sometimes I just tell myself they wont last and will break up soon,so ill try to get myself excited that we will be back to the way we were.Itll never be the same.I really don't like jealousy in a relationship whenever I date somebody,and usually Im not a very jealous person.I can finally admit,I am so jealous of this girl,whos 2 years younger then me,whos still in high school,who still has a lot of growing up to do,because she stole someone very important from me.If he sees this,I want to tell you,she won.She wins.She got you.I wish I was able to just tell her that him not talking to him,made me become this bad,but of course she doesn't care nor will she ever care cause Ive hurt her.I truly feel like I don't matter anymore to him.I really wish I did.I really wish he saw how good of a person I was and how much I was willing to do,but the fact is he doesn't.I cant do anything more.I just don't get why after all these months,I have seen myself cry and try so hard and have been getting hurt,but still until this day I love him.I love him more then ever,and if one day he ever came to me and said I love you will you take me back?,Ill of course be crazy and take him back.I know everything that has happened to me is very wrong and is very hurtful,but I don't get why im still willing to go through it,why am I still trying to chase him,why cant I just let go?? I asked him the last time we talked if he wanted me to move on and go be with another guy,and of course his answer was no.Of course I want the answer to be no,because I know I don't want another guy right now.I just wanted a second chance,or just want to be able to talk to everyday is what I want.I miss him and I just wish he really realized.I don't know any other way to make him realize.Every week when I go to my counselors,I really wish I could be sitting with him there so we can just talk.Im even willing to go every week with him and talk to my counselor to help me and him. Its so crazy,but of course its called love.
I just wanted to add something I read this morning.I usually believe in my horoscopes,but its so crazy how my horoscope I got for this month is so true!! Im a Scorpio and it said: Some mistakes you've made in the past may be easier to remedy then you think. The keyword for you this August is "Improvement". Things can improve in both little and big ways and, when they do,you'll be so relieved. Realize,too,that the little and seemingly insignificant things you do can lead to more important happenings. This is so crazy because that's what this whole month is about!! I would recommend to read your horoscope of the month,even if you believe in it,because it may be true!!
I really wish that he was the one who would read this.I made this in a way,for him to read this.I know his read my other ones,I just hope his following it,and he just realizes that whenever I talk about him,Im talking to him.Im telling things Ive tried to tell him person,but know I cant anymore probably cause he doesn't like seeing me like this anymore. I just really hope that no matter how much he hurt me but not even saying thank you on his birthday,he still calls or texts me,I know he will eventually,I just hope its soon.
I really want to end this by saying that I am so grateful for some of the followers who have been telling me how much they support me through this,and have given me such amazing comments even though I haven't been able to write lately. I know sometimes whenever you look at these posts,your thinking to yourself why is she doing this,its like a diary.Well to be honest,I love writing.I really don't care what people say about this because its a very therapeutic way for me to let my emotions.It makes me happy im doing this,and all I ask for is support.I feel like this is truly the best way I can be open to people and just show that sometimes there's ups and downs in life,but in the end it'll all get better.
I will be crazy busy still with seeing how the bookstore I work at will be super busy for the next few weeks since school will be starting,and seeing how my other job will just be opening,so it'll be pretty hectic,so Ill try my best to write something,if I don't write something,ill try my best to entertain you in some way.I have to get to sleep,of course I have to work tomorrow! I hope everyone has been doing good and has an amazing night and day!!
I love you guys with all my heart,and thank you every day for the support! Be Kind to one another!! <3
Love Always,
Talia <3
Proud of you. Great blog post hunn
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