You already lost me.

So as I said,I was going to make this a different blog. I wanted to make this a separate blog because I really feel this is a very important one,and I just don't think it should really belong to other blog I wrote.This is going to be a blog I bet a lot of my readers will be excited to know,so well Ill explain from the beginning to the end why I choose to title this what I did.Just a side note,Im so sorry Im writing this kind of late,but I just didn't get a chance to write when I got home.


So if you have been reading my blogs since the beginning,you know that I started writting this for the fact that I went through a very hard break up with a guy I really loved.I really did everything I could for him.I showed him love he never received from no one else.I was the who would always be there for him.I was the one who was helping financially,even thought I didn't need to. I think if you talk to anyone who knew the situation at whole,they will tell you that I did everything for him. I tried to show him what true love meant.I tried showing him that he hurt me,and he emotionally ruined,but was still doing everything I could to love him.Point is I did everything I could,but for him it wasn't enough.This girl meant so much more.Whatever she had to make him so crazy in love with her,worked. He would tell me he loved me and he cared about me,which at one point he did. That point was  never in the past 8 months.No matter how much he told me he did or no matter how much he "tried" to prove he did,he didn't. He knew that whenever he was trying to tell me that,he knew in the back of his head he wanted something from me.Im not gonna lie,I really have hung out with him a lot for the past 8 months.I tried my hardest to show how fun I was to hang out with.I tried showing him that girl he fell in love with,and that I was still that girl. He never cared to want to see it.He never cared to want to take it back.He really just like I said he just needed something out of me other then love.What other things did he need? He mainly needed money.Yes,I was so in love wit him and crazy and stupid,I gave him a lot of money.Of course,he never really appreciated that I gave it to him,when I myself don't have money.He didn't even both to respect me after all the help I did for him. He was always continuing to run to his girlfriend.Its kinda of funny how in my eyes I saw how much he was lying to her.It was kinda of ridiculous how much he lied to his girlfriend.His girlfriend pretty much told him that if he ever saw me again,she would leave him.Yah,that kind of funny because he still did see me after she said that.I felt like the choice I made was real what I had to do.I had to do it because this relationship wasn't healthy anymore.I will admit and always will admit, I still love him and I still really care about him,and you know no matter how much someone hates me for me continuing to love him and care for him, you'll just never understand. Well after all of this,I decided to put my foot down,and made a big decision.


I made this big change,cause I had to for the sake of me.For the sake of me being healthy,and just continuing my life.I first want to tell you what happened and why I decided to make this big decision.I really don't want to get to specific,but me and him were on our way going to hang out and enjoy ourselves.He decided to drive and I was totally okay with it. We were driving about to hang out and really tried enjoying ourselves.Its kinda of funny how we were listening to Britney Spear's new album.I have one song I really love that Britney sings in her album.When were listening to the CD,I tried going through it to see if I could find the song,I never found it.He asked me what the song called,and I told him that it was a song that explains something that might happen to him.He wanted to know what the song title was,and I at first didn't want to tell him what it was called,because I knew he was going to say something about it.Well he asked a few more times,and I finally told him what the song was called.The song is called "He about to lose me." Well lets just say those 5 words,is really what was going to happen that night.It was kinda of funny how he told me that's not a good song title,and I told him yeah well treat me right and it wont happen.well what do you think happened? Of course that was the night I really saw how everything we went through and after I thought I saw who he truly was,he really saw what I was to him. While we were enjoying ourselves and having fun, 9:30pm comes around.I knew that he was up to something when he asked me what time it was. Well whenever its around 9:30pm,I usually know what that means.It means at 10 he has to go pick up his girlfriend from work.Its kinda of funny how he usually thought I was stupid that I didn't know what he was doing,but of course I know,because I had to see it every single day,hearing how he had to go pick up then. When I heard that he had to go pick up his girlfriend, that's when I saw who he really was.I couldn't believe my eyes,that after all the help I did for him,all the love,all the support,all the caring I did for him,he has to leave to go pick up her. The pain I felt when he crushed me like that,is something I will never be able to explain.I was hurt.I was more then just sad.I felt so betrayed and used for everything I did that night trying to have fun with him and trying to show how much I loved him.Showing my love to him,never even mattered to him anymore.It wasn't even called love anymore.It's truly lust by now.The best way to describe it was,I had a bullet through my heart.While my heart was  getting hit my the bullet,It was slowly tearing apart like paper be torn.When we had to walk back to his car knowing I was going to sit in his car,crying the whole with him,seeing that I felt like I was nothing. On the way to the car,I had nothing to say to him.There was nothing else to say.I just knew that this was it.I was done with him.On the way home,I told him crying so hysterically how sick I was of everything that he has done to me.I told him that I showed him all the love I could.I tried to explain how everything he has done to me,was the most hurtful thing anyone could to do to me.I told him how he was the one who caused me to become depressed.He was the one who truly hurt me more then anyone else ever could.The one thing he kept telling me was for me to never stop talking to him.I kept telling myself in my head,the best thing for me to do was to just be done,no matter how much I didn't want it to be done. Well it gets worse. After all of the crying and yelling I told him,he had to rush to his girlfriend to go pick her up,he left me on the street of my aunts house so he could go get his girlfriend.Not just go get his girlfriend,but go rush to get his girlfriend. Thats when it was truly done.He let me be alone on that street knowing I was afraid to go to my aunts or cousin to see me crying horribly.I had no car,and I truly felt like nothing I have ever felt before.I felt so low,that I felt like I was nothing.I felt like I was truly a piece of shit.I was garbage. I truly was that night. He didn't even care to ask me if ill be okay,he just tried leaving so fast because of the calls he kept getting from her.He didn't care that I was going to sit outside in the dark knowing he knew I wasn't going to my aunts house or cousin house to sit and wait for my friend to come pick me up. He didn't want to even take me home,when he knew he was suppose to.He just didn't care.He never has cared,and he truly will never car.His girlfriend is now his number one priority in life.He is willing to do anything for this girl,and whats truly sad is that I was never his number one priority.Smoking was.Friends were.He showed me that night that there was nothing else to care about but this girl.He left me sitting there crying thinking that I was going to be okay.There is no way anyone can ever be okay from that. I will never be okay from him treating me like this.I will never forgive him for this night.I will never be able to say its okay,because really It has never been okay.

The reason why I choose to call this blog You Already Lost Me is because it is from the Britney Spears song.Its because he already lost me.I decide yesterday that I was going to block his number.It is blocked it officially today.It was the hardest thing I had to do.I really never wanted to block it.I was always debating about it and kept saying yes and no yes and no.I kept trying to ask my counselor what I should I do.I kept always telling myself that I was dumb if I did.I kept trying to tell myself that maybe he will think about what he did and apologize,but what am I talking about? He never has apologized and he never will. So for now, there's no more him.Im truly done.Im truly over it.Im truly happy about it.Whenever he calls me,it hangs up on him.I blocked him from texting me also.When I blocked his number,I was truly over joyed.I knew that when I was blocking it,I was never going to have see these tears from him coming down my face anymore.I knew that I was going to be able to continue going on with life everyday having a break from all of this.I cant say I will never speak to him ever again,because I will.Im not going to lie,I will talk to him one day.Just right now,I don't need this negativity in my life.I want to be loved again.I want to hang out with people who actually want to hang out and not leave me.I want to go around and do fun stuff.I want to feel like I actually matter to somebody and I actually am loved by people.I want to feel like I don't deserve bad.I want to feel like I deserve the greatest feelings in the world. I knew that blocking his number would hopefully show him what its truly like without me in his life.Showing him that I truly was done being treated like that.Showing him that he took everything he had with me for granted.Showing him that he actually did lose me.I knew that every time I told him I was going to do it,he didn't believe I was so he just said it was okay that I did it. well I did it.I finally  put my foot down and showed you that you have made your choice.Im so proud of myself,I hope you guys all see that.I truly felt amazing today when I did it.I feel like a weight not just a 10 pound weight a 250 weight got lifted off my shoulder.

I have finally realized what I truly deserve in my life.That wasn't what I deserved. I didn't deserve this hurt at all. I will love to see the day when he actually comes and says his sorry,but that day wont come for a while,so that means I wont be speaking to him for a while.I love him more then anything no matter what and like I said that will never change.Block his number is something I did for the both of us.I did it because we never really took a break from each other ever since this whole thing began.We never really wanted to stop talking to each other,but really that was just making things worse.We finally need a break from each other.I need a break from it.I need to regain my confidence and strength.I need to regain Talia again. I hope he knows that one day we will be able to speak again,but for now,this is just the way its gonna have to be.

I just want to let everyone know that love is sometimes the most craziest thing you can go through is love.It brings smiles and it brings tears. I just know that really you should always put yourself first.Thats something I didn't want to do in the past 8 months.Finally,Im going to put myself first.Im going to start thinking about myself and doing things for myself. I have truly missed writing.I will have a little bit more time now to be able to write every couple of days.I truly thank everybody  for the amazing support I get from this. I do it for the fact that no matter how good or bad I am at writing,I enjoy telling my stories,and that's all the matters.I know one person can relate to me this,and I would rather one person relate then noone. I missed you guys so much and just know the updates from now on are gonna hopefully nothing but the best!! <3


I hope everyone had a great Tuesday and I hope everybody is having a good week so far. I would love if you can share this with other people,and hey it would be great if you told them about my Facebook group page so they will always stay updated.I need to go to sleep now. I love you guys!!


Until next time. . .


Love always,

Talia Marcel <3